Cycle I: Coming on Strong
The Hidden Voice
The Record · 21 (v2.00)
THE HOUSE OF ZAN — Zan
VOICE ADVISORY: The speaking voice is aggressive certainty confronted by emotional power it cannot organize or control. Contains themes of loss of bladder control, choking, powerlessness, dominance, emotional harm, attachment, rejection, gendered insult, and transformation.
I feel the warmth of your wetness against me as you lose control of yourself.
My hands loosen from around your neck as my force withdraws from your body.
You drop to the floor, quivering, where you once stood.
The tears still rolling down your face onto your exposed body.
Gasping.
You have never felt so…
powerless.
speechless.
helpless.
Changed.
For the first time, you understand yourself.
Your place.
I don’t need to say another word to you in that moment.
I look upon what I’ve created:
a new life, with purpose, that will serve me.
Owned.
Yet that ownership, the thing that feels like ultimate control, is short-lived.
It exists for a moment.
A fleeting idea.
One that isn’t always held by both people at the same time.
Or in quite the same way.
A string of words can cause considerably more damage.
“I don’t know what I want now.”
Confusion where certainty used to be.
Distance where there was compliance.
Something known, now obscured.
This was once my story.
A story about my purpose to another.
Now, it’s a scar from believing something that stopped being true.
Move farther away into something colder.
Turn in the opposite direction.
There are no hands around my neck.
Still, I feel the pressure there.
They just sound different.
Look at me differently.
Touch me less.
Say something they probably forget five minutes later.
A little less affection than yesterday.
A little more distance than there was before.
Where there was once a burning heat, I now feel cold.
Until my chest feels tight.
I’m staring at an old conversation like another sentence might suddenly explain the ones already there.
Suddenly…
powerless.
speechless.
helpless.
Changed.
They can change their mind.
Change their mood.
Change what they want from me.
Apparently, none of that requires my permission.
Then they can go about their life.
A footnote in their mental discography.
Meanwhile…
Me.
Still here.
Still thinking about it.
That bitch.
Companion Track: “Bitch” — Meredith Brooks
VOICE FEEDBACK: Planetary Exploration — X8