I Am Not Your Role Model

Here’s my disclaimer — said with fangs out, one hand on your throat and the other between your legs.

If you’re under 18, none of this is for you. Do not read it as an invitation or a doorway.


Why This Page Exists

I write about obsession, devotion, power, and letting someone get inside your head so deep you forget where you end and they begin.

If you’re wired anything like me, that can flip a switch in you. You might:

  • read three things and feel like I’ve been in the back of your mind for years
  • decide I “get” you more than anyone you actually know
  • start checking for my content like it’s your next fix

I’m not going to pretend I don’t enjoy that. I do. It turns me on.

But I also won’t lie about what I am, or let you pretend I’m something I’m not just because it would feel better that way.


What I Am

  • A lifestyle Master in his 40s with 25+ years in kink.
  • A writer who lives in the space between obscene and tender, romantic and unhinged.
  • A man who thrives on people with scars, contradictions, and “too much” feelings.
  • Less Nosferatu, more Hotel Transylvania Dracula once you get close – fangs, yes, but also undeniable “Daddy” energy under the cape.
  • Someone who can become a very bright, very loud center of your inner world if we both let it happen.

I am available to be:

  • the man whose words won’t leave your head
  • the Dom you picture when you touch yourself
  • the name you whisper when you’re alone and want to feel owned
  • someone you play with – scenes, filth, photos, breathless DMs – without that automatically turning into “you owe me forever”
  • potentially, over time, your Master – if reality, timing, and our particular flavors of madness line up


When the Volume Is Turned Down

If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed by the sheer force of my written presence, let me offer you a small heresy:

I am not like this all the time.

If we ever actually speak, you’ll probably be surprised by how calm, dry, and low-key I am by default. That’s not a trick. That’s the part of me that makes all of this sustainable – the quiet spine, the “dad energy” that keeps the House standing when the lights are off.

In person, I’m more likely to be soft-spoken, observant, occasionally stupidly affectionate, than pacing the walls like a bloodthirsty vampire. People who’ve met me off-stage tend to say some version of, “Oh. He’s…actually very easy to be around.”

If you know Slipknot: the masks, the noise, the full-tilt chaos on stage are real. So is the version of them that steps offstage, wipes the makeup off, and becomes a different beast with the same bones.

This space, this voice, is my stage energy.

If you expect anyone to hold this level of intensity 24/7, you will be disappointed. That’s not how humans work. That’s how myths read.

If you ever get close enough, you’ll meet both sides — the man in soft focus and the monster with his hand on your throat. The House needs both to function.


What I Am Not

I am not:

  • your therapist
  • your emergency contact
  • your whole support system
  • your guarantee that everything will finally make sense

I’m not here to:

  • fix your life
  • replace all your existing relationships
  • give you permission to wreck yourself in my name
  • nod along to every feeling just because it’s pointed at me

In the right mood, I can feel like the only thing that matters.

Outside of it… I can be worse.

I am a man with a particular brain, a particular House, a specific taste in bodies, features, energy, and a way of living that won’t fit everyone — and doesn’t need to.

Take what serves you. Leave the rest.


Obsession, Crushes & The Good Kind of “Crazy”

Some people can read me and walk away.

You’re probably not one of those people.

If you’re the type to get hooked on someone’s words, you might:

  • binge everything I’ve written in one night
  • start building a private religion out of my sentences
  • feel a little feral when you see “Zan” pop up on your feed

And yeah, a part of you might already be imagining what it would be like if, one day, I actually became your Master.

That last part is rare, slow, and never promised just because you showed up.

That doesn’t scare me. In the right context, that kind of intensity is useful, erotic, and sometimes necessary.

If you’re actively in crisis or hanging on by a thread, I’m not the first person you should be aiming that at. I can be a charge, not your entire power grid.

I’m not here to tell you what you’re allowed to think about me.

Dream whatever you like.

Touch yourself to whatever you like.

Imagine whatever you like.

What matters is what you do with it:

  • If wanting me makes you sharper, kinder to yourself, more awake: good.
  • If obsession with me becomes an excuse to burn down your actual life or come claw at mine: not tempting, not sexy, not interesting – even if you’re my exact type.

You can be crazy about me.  

You just can’t try to drag me – or yourself – off a cliff with it. We are not doing a Thelma & Louise ending.


The Door Is Closed… But Not Locked

This isn’t a warning sign that says keep out.

It’s a note on the door that says know what you’re bringing in.

I work well with people who:

  • know they’re a bit broken, but still functioning in the world
  • can hold two truths at once: “I’m obsessed” and “I still have responsibilities”
  • can handle a “no,” a “not yet,” or a silence without trying to set the House on fire
  • understand that online closeness is foreplay, not a fully built dynamic
  • know that I can like you, want you, and still not be able to offer you a formal dynamic

If you’re intense, self-aware (or trying to be), and willing to be responsible for your own head while you’re turned on, the door can absolutely open.

If you’re looking for someone to swallow all your pain and answer every message instantly, the House will feel very cold, very fast…even if you know you’re hot.


What I Can’t Be For You

Even if you’re beautiful, smart, and perfectly my taste:

  • I cannot be the only thing keeping you alive.
  • I cannot be the reason you abandon every other support.
  • I cannot answer every DM or explain every boundary choice.
  • I cannot hand over my privacy or safety to prove I care.

I don’t live in a vacuum. I have obligations, mundane responsibilities, and people in my offline life who rely on me. That’s part of why I can’t be anyone’s 24/7 emotional life support by default or purely online, no matter how intense our connection feels. If that kind of constancy ever exists, it will be inside a built, real-world dynamic where we’ve both chosen it with our eyes open – not something handed out because you found me on a screen.

If you decide I must be all that and I refuse, and your answer is to:

  • harass me
  • misrepresent or lie about me
  • expose personal information
  • mass-report my accounts
  • threaten yourself or others

…then you are not someone I can play with, build with, or even communicate with.

You don’t get a redemption arc with me just because you’re horny and loud.


If You Still Want to Step Closer

If, after all of this, you’re still thinking:

“Yes. That. That’s the kind of dangerous, aware, structured man I want in my nervous system,”

then:

  • read the About page
  • read a few essays
  • sit with what they actually do to you
  • and then decide if you want to reach out

If you do, come in with:

  • something more than “hey”
  • honesty about your stability and your chaos
  • respect for my time, my boundaries, and my silence

I don’t promise to open the door.

If I do, it’s because who you are — not just how loud you’re wanting — makes sense next to my life… or my cock.

But I won’t pretend there isn’t a door.

If I do let you in, you will not be bored. You may feel things you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. You may end up a little ruined in the best possible way.

You’ll still be the one who chose to knock.

Just don’t pretend you thought I was your role model.

Companion track: “Role Model” – Fatboy Slim